mood swings

it's strange how i resort to writing only when thoughts of sadness overwhelm me.

creative outlets according to mood
sad = writing
happy = photography
ambitious = music

these are my 4am thoughts.

my grandpa died a few weeks ago. i didn't tell anyone though. he was the closest thing that i had to a father. i wonder what it's like to have a dad. i hope my grandpa knew that i loved him very much and that i thought the world of him. he used to drive me to the market on his motorcycle when i was a kid to get those korean yogurt drinks because they were my favorite.

i can't stop thinking about it.

i think i am unlovable.

latchin' on to ya

i think we're close enough. 

could i lock in your love, baby? 

can't stop fucking listening to this song...

disclosure in atlanta in october. can't waitttttt

i feel alone even when i'm around people.

occasionally, i cry while driving to relieve stress.

I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE. 

i feel like i don't belong anywhere.

edm = ♥

i love edm festivals. i wanna live in one forever. everybody just loves and helps each other. and we are so united in the music. i've met and bonded with so many people at the music festivals i've gone to. you form awesome friendships because everyone there is just having a good time raging together. everyone compliments you on your awesome outfit. everyone gives you a sip of water because you cant move through the crowd. everyone gives you free stuff. everyone puts you up on their shoulders because you're too short to see the stage. everyone just loves you. there are so many stereotypes for ravers. most people who don't rave think that we are drugged out no-lifers. that's not true. you can't judge until you've been there. if you've never gone to a festival before, you are missing out on a lot! once you feel the love, you'll never be the same again :-)

i love trading kandi too.

got some really cool ones at mmf this past weekend. 

cant wait to trade more!

yes, that is me wearing an ironman mask on some random guy's shoulders at magnetic music festival. #yolo

couple nights ago, i had a dream i was pregnant. i had a small baby bump. i don't quite remember who the dad was in my dream but i just remember being swept off my feet and being in love. being pregnant felt amazing. something that really transcended any feeling i've ever felt. i felt comfortable, happy, glowing. i felt like i was channeling all of my love into my baby and the baby was growing and protected because of the love that enveloped it. i woke up smiling. it was such a unique and beautiful experience.

i've always been scared of getting pregnant because a child is such a precious and terrifying gift. you're responsible for someone else's life. when i look at myself today, i ask myself, "would my mom be proud of who i am today? would be she proud that she raised a daughter like me? would my mom blame herself if i didn't turn out like she expected or wanted?" i realize more and more every day that everyone's journey is unique. we're all trying to learn about ourselves but sometimes i have a tendency to forget that i'm not the only one. everyone takes away different messages and learn at different rates. a lot of times, i feel like i'm on this journey to gather all of the knowledge and wisdom i can so that i can pass it on to my children.

a lot of my friends tell me that i would make a great mom. i don't know if that's true but from my own mother, i think i learned to have a huge capacity for love. i grew up seeing my mom work her ass off to take care of me and my brother. seeing her so passionate and dedicated to us really left a mark on me. when i care about someone, i really care about them. it's crazy just how much i love the people i love. i can only hope that in the future my children will learn to love the way my mom showed me to.

one way or another

i haven't been up this early since... well, i can't even remember. when i woke up this morning, i felt alive again.

alive

there's something about the morning that brings me back to the basics. maybe it's because i was forced to wake up early in the morning B.C. (before college). the early mornings remind me of waking up at the crack of dawn for high school, back when i was ambitious and had dreams of traveling the world. upon arousal sans alarm, i felt like i HAD to be somewhere else. the urge to be a wanderlust. those once familiar feelings of freedom and self-empowerment while meandering through the streets of another country. i've got to get back out there. i'll find a way. one way or another.

all photos by me. don't steal them without my permission!