so far, yet so close

what is it exactly that you're trying to accomplish here? making up for all the years lost? it's quite awkward, you know. i don't know how to act around you. you don't know how to act around me. am i asking the right questions? are we connecting? what should i ask next? there's a part of me that's bitter. angry at you for leaving us stranded. you're twenty years late. but there's another part of me deep down that just wants to forgive. i want to be able to be somebody that i never was, someone i was never allowed to be. i just want to feel your embrace. i want to know what it feels like to be helpless and dependent. i can't show you my vulnerable side, not just yet. but why is that? i have so many questions but i'm too afraid to ask them. ultimately, you're someone i want and don't want so badly.